[Suzy] Suzy here, with my surfing buddy, Fred. We launched a beachside interview last week at the website shajury.com, with Todd Perry, who allegedly taught Mark Zuckerberg how to code and then became one of Facebook's earliest and loudest critics, and as always, I'm a journalist, Fred is a fictional character, and Todd Perry is a real person who has a body and legal rights, and all of that other good stuff.
[Fred] Fictional or not, it was my idea to say that Suzy works for Hilarious American Media, but now that we're doing a real Sunday morning talk show, we should disclose that Suzy is just a footloose and fancy freelance journalist who was only able to publish her story because her primary source, Todd, allowed her to use his own network of content sites as a platform.
[Suzy] Well, at least we didn't have to use Facebook to host any of the content!
[Fred] I was playing a role in the Shajury beachside interview, but it was also my first time doing any kind of media, so please allow me clarify that I prefer having a voice within Todd's network of sites over just using Twitter, for example, because he carefully vetted us as content developers before letting us broadcast via his hosting account, LLC, and whatnot; he doesn't let random characters pretend to be journalists on his sites, like his competitors do.
[Suzy] Sure. Todd vetted us by writing three books about me and then you appeared as an auxiliary character in the second and third books, but why does that matter?
[Fred] Technically speaking, Todd was making fun of you, but he was representing me in good faith.
[Suzy] Yes, Fred, I'm a journalist and you're a tool, but how do you respond to the widely held view that you and Todd both pretend to be obtuse, because that behavior is the root of all evil?
[Fred] Part of what I liked so much about our interview with Todd is that we authoritatively made the case that he was never pretending to be obtuse. I, of course, and to your point, Suzy, I often pretend to be obtuse, but I'm doing it to make fun of people like you, who act like you genuinely believe Todd's suffering is self-inflicted. My angle is to egg on bad actors like you until your real-life situation gets so dire that you have to walk it all back and then join us for a truth and reconciliation convention. That's all we're asking you to do. Join us, and choose greatness, Suzy!
[Suzy] Thanks for the feedback, Fred, but didn't our interview show that Todd is, in fact a low key, powerful, and knowledgeable guy who could do anything he wants...and yet, he is, quite obviously, pretending to be obtuse...because it gives him leverage over mere mortals like us?
[Fred] Earth to Suzy: war is real! I played my role during your interview with Todd. I respected what you were trying to do as a journalist, but how can you not see that your loyal subject has been and still is up against tremendous adversity? He's been navigating a life-threatening situation for over a decade, and if people with relatively easy lives like us allow good men like him to suffer in silence, that will just enable people like you to keep on doing more of the toxic stuff that you've been doing that pinned Todd down into his present situation, and then guys like him will have to make moves in order to avoid dying soon. So, I ask you again: do you want a war, Suzy, because what else am I supposed to conclude?
[Suzy] I'm not biting. I'm did the story. Find another journalist who will do that story! We put it on the record that Todd has been in a car with Sean Parker, Tperry shook Schrep's hand at Stanford in 2015, and we framed the fire drill photo that got represented within the cover photo of the vegan portion of a cheese burger with Russian dressing that was recently ordered at Jean-Georges in NYC. What more do you want me to do?
[Fred] I want to doctor the video of our interview with Todd and make it look like you were wearing a MAGA hat, in order to compliment my, "Just Breathe," hat.
[Suzy] The MAGA hat is a hate symbol.
[Fred] It's hate speech to call it a hate symbol.
[Suzy] MAGA has been reduced to a call to action, with respect to using violence against journalists who try to hold the president accountable for telling more and more lies on the record.
[Fred] No, it's a new platform for unabashedly "fake" journalists like you, Suzy. That's all it is. You can't get on CNN. The Wall Street Journal won't even return your emails, but what you can do is buy a MAGA hat for $19.99 in Times Square and then call yourself a journalist. What's the problem with that?
[Suzy] Do you think journalists who go too hard at President Trump deserve to get roughed up?
[Fred] Of course not. They deserve to lose their jobs and then die alone and hungry on the street, just like everyone else who's not already rich or well-to-do, unless they get their act together and stop lying to themselves and others about recent American history.
[Suzy] And, cut. I look forward to continuing this conversation, but we need pause for a commercial break, and just in case I forget to mention this when we come back, I'd like to invite some of the 2020 Democratic candidates to join us, and not just the ones that Todd has already met in person!